I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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