Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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