he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
