If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Randomize
