OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
