i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
