just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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