i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
