your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
