turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
