The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
