I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
