Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Did we literally take a cab across the street
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
