I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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