Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Randomize
