Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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