I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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