Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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