I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
