Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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