I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
