I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
