I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Boobs are out for the taking
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
