my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
