Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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