You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Randomize
