I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
