im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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