i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
