I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Randomize
