The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
