Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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