If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
