Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
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