she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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