Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
