He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize