I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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