just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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