Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Randomize
