i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
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