seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
