My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
