everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
