We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
