I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
