he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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