Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
