I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
