Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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