Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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