just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
