he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
