I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Randomize