So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
