how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Randomize
