Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
