I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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