It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize