Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
