That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
