my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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