i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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