My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
