just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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