yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
